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Bye True Love, Hello Transactional Relationships by Oluwatobi Fagbuaro

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Does the exchange of money, sex, and other material items determine the success of a relationship?

“If a man doesn’t give me money or gifts while we are friends, I can never date him.”

By Oluwatobi Fagbuaro

A depiction of a couple in a transactional relationship. Image Created by Oluwatobi Fagbuaro, 2021

 

The definition of a trans actional relationship

A trans actional relationship is one in which one person expects their partner to provide them with money, sex, or some other form of service.

It is more like a business deal, but this time it is about what one person can get rather than what the relationship can offer them.

When two people who are attracted to each other approach a relationship with the mindset of a trans actional relationship, things can get complicated. What is anticipated is not always mentioned explicitly. The other is judged based on how much money they have, what clothing and jewellery they wear, and so on.

Trans actional relationships are not unusual in today’s culture, neither have they ceased to exist. As previously shown, royal families, aristocrats, and even ordinary citizens marry for the sake of obtaining what they want rather than because they value their intended spouses.

In the typical patriarchal society, the husband is expected to be the provider while the wife is expected to do household chores like cleaning and cooking. Although this is not a strong pointer to trans actional relationships, it helps lay the foundation for one.

In this digital era, social media users often strongly express what they want in a partner. Men say they will not marry a woman who cannot cook or clean; likewise, women say they will not have a man who cannot provide them money wise.

In fact, thanks to the movement for gender equality, some men now firmly express that they will not marry a woman who does not contribute to the relationship financially. Similarly, some women state that they will not marry a man who is not domesticated.

Why do people measure success in relationships by what they can get from the other person? Why are reciprocal feelings not enough to sustain a relationship? To understand this, an interview was carried out with Sara Huotari, a certified relationship coach.

According to Sara (2021), people have high expectations of their partners in today’s world.

“We live in a society of instant gratification where we expect to receive everything at the time that we want it without necessarily taking our time to get to know the person truly,” – Sara Huotari

It is important to note that although the conversation of trans actional relationships. usually happens between millennials and Generation Z, the older generation also contributes to the conversation. Some advice that men shouldn’t marry a woman who can’t cook and women shouldn’t marry a man who doesn’t have work.

In the 19th and 20th centuries, it was more common to hear of women “waiting” before marriage.

Even today, some people of the older generation still preach abstinence before marriage.

However, discussions on social media indicate that such a notion is increasingly diminishing. In their premarital relationships, both men and women insist on having sex. In reality, some people demand that their partners have certain sex skills or else the relationship will not last.

While trans actional relationships seem like a selfish idea, the question of what fosters them is paramount. What makes people treat romantic relationships like a transaction, a business deal? Is there a previous experience that contributes to this?

 

The story of Chidimma

Chidimma (not real name), a young Nigerian woman in her twenties, is an outspoken supporter of trans actional relationships.

She firmly states that she would never go into a relationship with a man who has not spent money on her before.

To an onlooker, this may seem like a very selfish thing to say as well as a wrong idea to hold on to. However, Chidimma has her reasons. According to her, she had just turned twenty when she started dating Ade (not real name).

She was very much in love, and so had no problem giving him money whenever he asked for it. Also, she sent other material items like shoes and bags, to his “sister” in another state. However, Ade never gave Chidimma money or gifts, not even on her birthdays.

“He always said it was because he had no job,”

she recollects.

Then, in December 2016, ten months after the relationship began, a friend of Chidimma discovered photos of Ade’s wedding to another lady and sent them to her.

Shocked and lost for words, she searched for the other lady’s profile on Facebook. Her shock doubled up when she discovered that the bags and shoes, she had given Ade for his “sister” were, in fact what he had given to the other lady.

“I contacted him to know why but he quickly blocked me on all social media platforms,” she recounts bitterly. “Anyways, I have learned my lesson. Me? Spend money or gifts on a man? Never again!”

“If a man doesn’t give me money or gifts while we are friends, I can never date him, ” she vows. Chidimma’s new approach to a relationship seems to be her own way of protecting another nasty heartbreak.

However, should a nasty experience in a former relationship be enough reason to decide to engage in trans actional relationships henceforth? Sara (2021) counsels that building a wall to protect the heart will only further complicate matters. In Sara’s words: “The key is to have grace and compassion for yourself when such a thing occurs and also to have tools and systems in place in order to be able to deal with it. This is why relationship therapy and/or coaching is so important” 

 

 

Meet Temi, the bubbly girl from Lagos currently living in Dublin city. She has a Master's Degree in Journalism and Media communication. As a freelance Journalist, she thrives in creativity and it is to no surprise she found her love in photography as well. Her stories are written from the conversation from the Horse's mouth, genuine, captivating, and unique!

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Love

Find your soulmate (Tomorrow)- 19/07 – Speed dating event -Amstelveenseweg 53

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The excitement of in-person speed dating events are now back. Why wait to hear back from a potential match on dating apps and websites when you can meet a group of single people that are ready to mingle.

Mingling Singles – Heterosexual Speed dating event
Tickets: (https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/112287043570)

Mingling Singles – Lesbian Speed dating event
Tickets: (https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/112286594226)

Mingling Singles – Gay Men Speed dating event
Tickets: (https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/112157078842)

Age: 18+ | July 19th, 2020

HOW IT WORKS

  • You will receive a YS number and comment card to keep track of all your dates.
  • You will receive a YS number and comment card to keep track of all your dates.
  • Ten people will remain seated while Ten people will rotate seats after 5 minutes of conversating.
  • At the end of the event, you are required to submit the names of people you want to meet up again.

Finally, your YS match details will be emailed to you the next day if both of you formed a connection.

NOTE: if you write someone’s name and they do not, they’ll never know – similar to the online dating concept.

CORONAVIRUS MEASURES PUT IN PLACE

  • A maximum of 20 people will attend the event to make it easier for people to maintain social distancing.
  • A maximum of 20 people will attend the event to make it easier for people to maintain social distancing.
  • Hand sanitizers will be provided at the event.
  • A disinfectant spray will be used to sanitize every seat before rotation.
  • Everyone will be sent digital conversation starters to avoid too many hands in one bowl.
  • You can wear a mask if you want.
  • Please stay at home if you have tested positive for COVID-19 or are showing COVID-19 symptoms. Also, stay at home to monitor your health if you have had close contact with a person who has symptoms of COVID-19 within the past 14 days.
  • No handshakes or hugs.

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Entrepreneurship

Momsdadslife – An interracial couple who wants to change the world

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The founders of Momsdadslife

Ehinomen is 23-years-old and kelvin is 24-years-old. Kelvin has always lived in the Netherlands and Ehi was born in Nigeria (Benin city).

“I came to the Netherlands at the age of 12” Ehinomen says. Integrating into a foreign country was one of the biggest challenges Ehi had to face and deal with as a young child.

While studying in the Netherlands Ehi met her fiance Kelvin who was studying to be a nurse. There was a connection from the first day we met. The sparks were genuine and we started dating in no time!

 

Ehi and Kelvin shared had similar goals and imagined what their future would be like. They knew exactly what they wanted.

“We are like two trees blended together by their roots”

 

Ehi with her daughter

What are your views on interracial couples?

Kelvin: Dating someone outside your race can be challenging. People have their own meaning/opinion on who you should love. The first day I saw my woman was the day I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Ehinomen: Dating outside my race made love even more exciting, we learned so much about each other’s cultures. It made us appreciate life, it made us realize that there is more to life than just our little bubble. We are like two different trees blended to each other by their roots.

“LOVE IS LOVE”

 

Ehinomen, Kelvin and little Rosie holding hands

Ehinomen, Kelvin and little Rosie holding hands

What do you do to help (single) parents with your platform?

Most of the questions we get from our single parent followers is “how they want to do better”. We tell them not to worry so much, the most important thing is to LOVE your beautiful child. A child needs LOVE and ATTENTION. The child can never be a victim. We tell them not to think like a victim but to think as a solver.

 

MomsDadsLife

MomsDadsLife

 

How does it feel to be a young parent, did you expect to be parents at this age?

Ehi: I always knew I was going to be a young mother just because I love babies but I underestimated the work raising a child. It is DAMN hard and especially with school, but I am blessed with the support I have from our family. Seeing my daughters smile makes every decision all worth it.

Kelvin: For me I never knew I would be a dad at the age of 23. I never thought of it being a problem. I knew if it happened I would always be there for my child even if I became a dad at 16. Seeing my daughter growing up gives me the greatest joy in life. Wouldn’t want it any other way.

 

Kelvin with his daughter

Which follower inspired you the most during your philanthrophic work within Momsdadslife?

Our Momsdadslife followers all inspire me. Without them we wouldn’t be doing half of what we are doing right now. We receive all kinds of messages that sometimes make us cry our eyes out.

 

Art by Kelvin

Ehinomen with her daughter Rosie – Art by Kelvin

 

Where do you see yourselves in 5 years’ time?

We see ourselves starting up our own family care farm. A place where the elderly can come to have a great time. Married with children and that our platform branches out in Africa.

Where can our readers follow you?

 

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Love

The Royal Wedding – Prince Harry & Meghan

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CREDIT: Getty Images

FULL CEREMONY: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Royal Wedding

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Culture

Amara La Negra – The breakthrough Afro-Latina Star

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    Billboard 2018

Who is Amara La Negra?

Diana Danelys De Los Santos , better known as Amara La Negra is the latest Latina Breakthrough star known from the reality tv series Love & Hip Hop Miami. This Afro-Latina beauty is 27 years young and has her roots in the Domenican Republic.

Her stage name, “Amara La Negra” is simply to be translated to: Amara the Black woman. Her name is actually a tribute to her Afro-Latina heritage.

Amara was raised by a single mother who emigrated to the US to give her child a better life. As a single mother she did her best to provide as she had 5 jobs to make a living. But just like her mother , Amara was working hard to make her dreams come true , she has always been an entertainer since she was a child , she always had the passion for singing and dancing.

 

Amara’s message to the world!

Amara made her debut on the international screen on the Love & Hip Hop Miami reality series. Love & Hip Hop Miami premiered on 1 january 2018. The show focuses on 8 main cast members, including Amara La Negra. During this season Amara’s storyline became a story that caught the public’s attention. She and Young Hollywood came in an altercation about the definition of the term ‘Afro-Latina’ and how a person should or shouldn’t look like as an Afro-Latina.

The thing that drives her spirit is to see more Afro-Latino’s positively represented on television in the entertainment industry and amongs the general public, inside and outside of the Latino community. She also roots for the Afro-Latin people to feel less ashamed about who they are and to embrace the fact that they are AFRO-Latin and that they are beautiful and fine just the way they were born, with the dark skin and the Afro/Curly hair.

Amara is currently working on her new music video for her new single ‘INSECURE’ . The single will debute on the 10th of april on YouTube/VEVO. Have a sneak peak below!

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