Does the exchange of money, sex, and other material items determine the success of a relationship?
“If a man doesn’t give me money or gifts while we are friends, I can never date him.”
By Oluwatobi Fagbuaro
A depiction of a couple in a transactional relationship. Image Created by Oluwatobi Fagbuaro, 2021
The definition of a trans actional relationship
A trans actional relationship is one in which one person expects their partner to provide them with money, sex, or some other form of service.
It is more like a business deal, but this time it is about what one person can get rather than what the relationship can offer them.
When two people who are attracted to each other approach a relationship with the mindset of a trans actional relationship, things can get complicated. What is anticipated is not always mentioned explicitly. The other is judged based on how much money they have, what clothing and jewellery they wear, and so on.
Trans actional relationships are not unusual in today’s culture, neither have they ceased to exist. As previously shown, royal families, aristocrats, and even ordinary citizens marry for the sake of obtaining what they want rather than because they value their intended spouses.
In the typical patriarchal society, the husband is expected to be the provider while the wife is expected to do household chores like cleaning and cooking. Although this is not a strong pointer to trans actional relationships, it helps lay the foundation for one.
In this digital era, social media users often strongly express what they want in a partner. Men say they will not marry a woman who cannot cook or clean; likewise, women say they will not have a man who cannot provide them money wise.
In fact, thanks to the movement for gender equality, some men now firmly express that they will not marry a woman who does not contribute to the relationship financially. Similarly, some women state that they will not marry a man who is not domesticated.
Why do people measure success in relationships by what they can get from the other person? Why are reciprocal feelings not enough to sustain a relationship? To understand this, an interview was carried out with Sara Huotari, a certified relationship coach.
According to Sara (2021), people have high expectations of their partners in today’s world.
“We live in a society of instant gratification where we expect to receive everything at the time that we want it without necessarily taking our time to get to know the person truly,” – Sara Huotari
It is important to note that although the conversation of trans actional relationships. usually happens between millennials and Generation Z, the older generation also contributes to the conversation. Some advice that men shouldn’t marry a woman who can’t cook and women shouldn’t marry a man who doesn’t have work.
In the 19th and 20th centuries, it was more common to hear of women “waiting” before marriage.
Even today, some people of the older generation still preach abstinence before marriage.
However, discussions on social media indicate that such a notion is increasingly diminishing. In their premarital relationships, both men and women insist on having sex. In reality, some people demand that their partners have certain sex skills or else the relationship will not last.
While trans actional relationships seem like a selfish idea, the question of what fosters them is paramount. What makes people treat romantic relationships like a transaction, a business deal? Is there a previous experience that contributes to this?
The story of Chidimma
Chidimma (not real name), a young Nigerian woman in her twenties, is an outspoken supporter of trans actional relationships.
She firmly states that she would never go into a relationship with a man who has not spent money on her before.
To an onlooker, this may seem like a very selfish thing to say as well as a wrong idea to hold on to. However, Chidimma has her reasons. According to her, she had just turned twenty when she started dating Ade (not real name).
She was very much in love, and so had no problem giving him money whenever he asked for it. Also, she sent other material items like shoes and bags, to his “sister” in another state. However, Ade never gave Chidimma money or gifts, not even on her birthdays.
“He always said it was because he had no job,”
she recollects.
Then, in December 2016, ten months after the relationship began, a friend of Chidimma discovered photos of Ade’s wedding to another lady and sent them to her.
Shocked and lost for words, she searched for the other lady’s profile on Facebook. Her shock doubled up when she discovered that the bags and shoes, she had given Ade for his “sister” were, in fact what he had given to the other lady.
“I contacted him to know why but he quickly blocked me on all social media platforms,” she recounts bitterly. “Anyways, I have learned my lesson. Me? Spend money or gifts on a man? Never again!”
“If a man doesn’t give me money or gifts while we are friends, I can never date him, ” she vows. Chidimma’s new approach to a relationship seems to be her own way of protecting another nasty heartbreak.
However, should a nasty experience in a former relationship be enough reason to decide to engage in trans actional relationships henceforth? Sara (2021) counsels that building a wall to protect the heart will only further complicate matters. In Sara’s words: “The key is to have grace and compassion for yourself when such a thing occurs and also to have tools and systems in place in order to be able to deal with it. This is why relationship therapy and/or coaching is so important”
